Ain't No Rest for the Wicked

Note:  This post was originally written in May of 2012.  I misplaced it somehow and it never made the blog during it's most appropriate time.  I managed to accomplish two of the five goals listed...  I could have done better.

Cage the Elephant sings a song Ain't No Rest for the Wicked.  The following line of the courus goes money don't go on trees.

Yesterday marked the end of my first year of doctoral coursework.  I admit, I am relieved.

I have heard mixed reviews about what lies ahead.  Equal numbers of folks have told me that the first and second year are most difficult.  Given that there are only two years of course work, this matches what mathematicians would tell me are odds.  I have no idea what my experience with future course work will feel like, but I know I will not let my guard down and will prepare for a rough experience and expect the best.

In the mean time I have three weeks of "freedom." I plan to catch up on reading, run as much as I can, and enjoy the downtime.  I will probably also blog more than usual, so that is either a good or a bad thing depending on how closely you read.  I am certain by the time coursework resumes, I will be ready.

My summer bucket list:

1) Ride my bike to work (20 miles one way).  I am mostly scared of biking on the road... Is that weird?
2) Prepare to run a marathon in August.
3) Run three half marathons by August. (The physical challenges support my quest to gain zero pounds during doctoral study, but also support my emotional balance through cardio work)
4) Read fun things.  Listening to great things counts too.
5) Ride a horse.  I think horse racing is fascinating, I would like to know what makes it auxilleratzing.

Remember that what lies ahead might be a challenge but it is worth every minute.

Second Year Slump?

I know just enough to be disgruntled, but not enough to be dangerous.

I have started of the second year of my doctoral program with less enthusiasm than I had hoped for.  It took me several weeks to get to the bottom of what the reasons might be.  Here are the conclusions I have arrived at:

1. I am far enough into the program to feel proud of my progress, but have too much remaining to get overly excited.  This is just a reminder to keep my head down, and keep pushing forward until the light at the end of the graduation tunnel is closer.  Only two more years to go.
2. I have learned a great deal about how to be critical of many things: written materials, my own writing, the writing of others, processes, organizational structures, systemic privilege, APA, in addition to others, yet I do not feel as though I know enough to yet make positive change.  This point was articulated, perhaps ignited, by one of my professors today who was discussing keys to social justice training.  Her comments included the necessity to equip persons who are becoming aware of prejudice and privilege to also be equipped with tools to be an advocate and igniter of social change (Broido, 2012).   The advocacy tools are key to a person not getting bogged down in the disparity of privilege and challenging social structures.  While, I do not admit that the emotional realizations of doctoral study are nearly as emotionally salient as those of social justice training I do feel like the processing is similar.  I too need to continue to dive into my course materials and additional readings to further equip myself as a change agent on behalf of the higher education issues, and opportunities the academic opportunities afforded to me have uncovered.
3. On a personal note, I have slipped from my exercise regiment more than I would like to have.  That too is likely contributing to this hiccup and is a reminder to keep to my personal commitments.

By the end of this program I hope that my words are reversed, and that I “know enough to be dangerous and know better than to be disgruntled.”  In this sense I can be an active participant in change, and use that perspective to remain more optimistic that I am currently.

Remember that what lies ahead might be a challenge but it is worth every minute.

Blogging about Blogging

I have now blogged for an entire academic year (sort of).  I admit, I have enjoyed the process a great deal.  Regardless of whether people even look at this blog, I am a firm believer in reflection and this blog has been a great accountability measure for reflection.  This post is dedicated to the things I have learned about myself, and blogging since I started this process.  Hopefully there is a nugget of value for you too.

Here are my thoughts on blogging after a full year:

1. I tried to be too "official" at first.  If any of you have read my first few posts I wrote in very scientific research like ways trying to justify my thoughts.  I admit that this could make my thoughts more palatable to some, but as an exercise in free flowing thought (the purpose of blogging I suppose) there was little looseness in my style.  Over time this changed the way I thought about the blog, and hurt the process and the outcome.
2. Pressure to produce a great product hurt me producing any product.  At first I was worried about posts that would make people proud and inspire deep thought.  Looking back I assumed people would care more than I should.  Don't get me wrong I appreciate the time every person who is reading these words puts into reading them.  I just know that the reason I write is to help challenging my thinking, and the reason you all read is that you are looking for similar thought provoking (at least I hope) ideas or you care enough about me to give up five minutes of your day to hear me out.  Now that I have put to rest the pressures of quality (or tried) I feel more free to write what I really think.  Over time this will ideally produce a better overall result.  As one of my favorite movie lines goes "the key to writing is to write" (from Finding Forrester).  Now I think I have a better grasp on that.  Hopefully, you as readers will get better reading as a result of this new perspective and a better return on investment.
3. Remembering why I started has helped bring me back to blogging.  As a counseling student we were told time and time again the value of reflection.  At the time I did not give this thought as much credit as I should have.  Reflection is really the core of what makes life and vulnerability  worth it.  Now as a student who studies learning I again interact with reflection as a core component in a different but again valuable way.  Learning is far more effective and long lasting with reflection.  Now that relfection has been brought to my attention more times than it should be (only twice, which is more than it should have been), I am committed to it.  Reflection here I come.  
4. I know that the future will not be like the present.  Recently I have been dedicated more time to blogging than I have throughout the last few months.  I know that there will be time throughout the future months that I will likely write in similar streaks.  Embracing those streaks will make for a better experience.  Life is not always like clockwork, so the reality check is going to be good for me.  I plan to commit the time I can to this blog understanding the rich value it has.  The rest is a bonus.
5. Guilt is an odd and beautiful thing.  I find as I have written even this blog post that guilt has changed how I write, and how I feel about writing.  Throughout the two semesters this year there have always been other things that I could have written instead of this blog.  Guilt at times kept me from writing or even thinking about writing.  Guilt also kept me focused in times I probably needed it most (even if blog writing was not an output).  A balance of the two worlds is likely possible, and my quest over the remainder of my graduate career (and life after for that matter) is to try to find that balance.
6. Writing for even one reader makes it that much more fun.  Sherry Turkle, a faculty member at Massachusetts Institute of Technology writes a lot about human and technology interaction.  In her recent book Alone Together she discusses how the plethora of technology at our finger tips today has the potential to isolate humans from each other as much, if not more, than prior human history.  I agree with Turkle for the most part.  I think that the more we text each other and chat online, the more isolated we will feel over time.  Even the human voice over the phone has tremendous emotional value over text.  All this being said, I think technology has motivated my learning and reflection as a blogger.  Blogging is a funny thing.  In reality, I think that a blogger should write expecting only expecting their eyes to see their posts.  Ideally, one reader will attentively read a bloggers words and take a small nugget of knowledge that lightens or deepens their life.  This is where I separate from Turkle.  If one person reads what I write, and there is even the smallest bit of truth that resonates with that reader I am much more motivated to continue.  The effort of the one reader motivates a writer a substantial amount.  This idea might even break economics a bit (see prior posts).  A small demand might motivate a greater blogger supply.  This is the gem of blogging.  Passion is fueled by a minimal response.  That response is of great validation and can fortify the need to pursue blogging for all the wonderful and odd reasons listed above.  Perhaps Turke's thesis is right on, if I write this blog hoping that one person reads it the two of us are "alone together" but for me the motivation of writing with the thought that one other person will read it puts a solid expectation on me that is worth greater pursuit.  I gain by putting greater pressure on myself to think differently and try to articulate that though, and I hope at least one other person does too.  With this under my belt I will likely never be alone.  I will always be alone, together with someone else.

Thank you to those who have read and been patient with me this year.  I truly appreciate it.  Here is two more years of equally deep, if not deeper, learning for all of us.

Remember that what lies ahead might be a challenge but it is worth every minute.